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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,...
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A Hundred Stones

Okay, so I found this snippet of writing that I wrote a while ago. I was actually trying out Write or Die, which is where you have to write a certain amount of words in a certain amount of time [i.e., 500 words in 10 minutes]. It's actually really neat, and as you can imagine, I was typing whatever came to mind in order to reach my goal. This is the result. I wasn't sure what I was thinking of when I wrote it, but I think I had Adam in mind [you know, as in Adam & Eve], and I think you might understand once you read it. I like to think it's some sort of freestyle. Anyway, I thought you would enjoy reading it. [and in case you're wondering, I came up with the title "A Hundred Stones" on the spot.]
~
I don't know what I did,
I was sure that something would be better than nothing.
I ate some fruit... that's all I did.
Why has it unleashed this punishment on the earth?
I can't understand... why is this happening?
The generations after me will hate me,
And they will know that I was the one who let evil be unleashed.
God, where are you?
I can't see you, hear you, or feel you.
Where have you gone?
Please, please come back.
Life is not worth living without you.
I miss our easygoing walks in the gardens,
Where I could tell you anything that was on my heart.
I miss being so innocent, so carefree.
Where has that carefree spirit gone?
My heart is heavy, weighted by a hundred stones.
I cannot bear the consequences I must face.
God, my father, please, make this easier to bear.
Help me to feel that you are there.
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