a handful of sunshine-colored memories.

I keep my knees black and blue 

'Cuz they often hit the hardwood floor

{Wake me if you're out there.}

And I believe so I'm not praying to the ceiling 

Anymore


- Owl City, Angels

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is. I just feel inspired to write.

I've been caught up in memories of the past. Wanting to take hold of them and never let them go. I look back on my past with rose-tinted glasses (most of the time). Wondering, why was my life so perfect back then? Why can't I go back to last summer?

Or with novels: Why was my NaNo novel so easy? It was perfect. And now, while I'm trying to plot for my Camp NaNo novel, why is it so dang hard?

Why can't my life stay the same?

It's hard for me to remember that those memories happened unintentionally. And the only way I can hold onto those memories is to create new ones. I wasn't trying to have a good summer. It happened when I wasn't looking for it. And that's the way it has to be this year, too. And the year after that.

I can't force my life to be wonderful. It just happens. It will happen when I don't understand why, or how, my life is so good. And maybe it won't be perfect. Last summer had its own flaws. But maybe that's what makes the beautiful moments seem so wonderful in my mind. 

I did have a rough summer. A rough year last year. But I still have a handful of sunshine colored-memories. I had my ups and my downs.

And yet at the same time, I'm struggling with how to balance this all out. I don't really even know what I'm trying to say. I feel like I'm painting an unrealistic picture for you all. My life is... hard. Seriously. It is. I've been unsure of how to say this for a while now. I think I've mentioned this a couple times before, but I'd just like to say it now, officially: I have chronic pain. It's called fibromyalgia. This means that I have pain and fatigue nearly 100% of the time. I struggle every day to do things that "normal" people don't have a problem with. I don't remember what it's like to be pain-free. 

I don't really say this to get sympathy. Yes, it is nice to have your encouragement and support. But I'm mainly saying it to get it off my chest. To be completely honest with you and tell you about who I am offline and what I struggle with. I've got tears in my eyes because this is such a personal thing and I'm afraid to post it.

So, I don't know how to do this whole life thing. As I wrote in my journal last night, I don't want to think of my life as perfect, even though I sometimes do. I don't want to forget about my struggles amidst the sunshine-colored memories. Because life is hard. And sometimes it's going to stink. But I don't want to look at my life negatively either. Because life is pretty amazing, when you look at it. And we have to take the good moments and keep them in our pockets for the rainy days that are bound to come. It's a balance, I guess. Learning to take the good and the bad.

The shadow proves the sunshine. That's a Switchfoot song. It was recently brought to my attention by the title of a good friend's Tumblr. I still need to listen to the actual song in its entirety. But it's the title itself that speaks to me. Darkness has to happen for us to appreciate the light.

Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I love it. But those are just my feelings. My feelings can't rule my life. Life may not feel good, but it is good. God may not always feel good, but He is. 

Now I just need to remember this myself when times get hard.