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note to self: i’ll be there for you, always

written june 6, 2021. Photo by Kristine Cinate on Unsplash I have always looked for myself in other people. I think the idea was that they would somehow hold the pieces of me that I felt were missing. That maybe, if I wrapped my identity up in theirs enough, we would somehow make a whole person. It's not healthy to live like this, but I did it anyway — burning through relationships and searching for something I couldn't quite name. It was never enough, not to be myself, but it was never enough to latch my identity to other people, either. I got close, several times — I thought I had reached the pinnacle of self discovery. I thought I had completed myself. But in the end, relying on other people to help build yourself is never a viable way to do things. It's only recently that I've started to become comfortable with the idea of being enough, as I am, on my own. Several years ago, in this same position, I would have searched for another person to attach my identity onto,...
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The Post-November Letdown


Something big happened this November:
I became a writer again.

But before I explain, let me say this. It's no secret: November has officially come to a close, and with that, so has NaNoWriMo.

It's always hard, after spending all your time writing, to adjust back to normal life. I was writing all day, every day, or at least that's how it seemed. Now that NaNo is over, I don't know what to do with myself.

However, now that I've been writing this long and this hard, I won't be able to stop.

See, I've always been a writer. Putting pen to paper. Throwing words on a page. Painting landscapes of the mind. Attempting to introduce people to my world and tell them my deepest thoughts and desires.

But somewhere along the line, that got tainted by the fear of failure.

I don't think I've really written anything for the past 2 or 3 years. Yes, of course, I've written things... but I haven't truly written. I haven't let my fingers fly or let the words take their course. I haven't really let my stories live. I've stopped after the first few hundred words. I was afraid to try because I was afraid to fail.

And then, this November, I realized that I can't really call myself a writer unless I write. If I'm serious about my writing career and my dream of sharing my words with the world, it's going to take dedication. Sweat. Tears. And a whole lot of patience.

And hopefully inspiration, if it will manage to stick around for long enough. 

You can't wait for inspiration to come to you.
You have to go after it with a sword.

My post-NaNo plans include finishing my novel, which has taken on a mind of its own. It's actually becoming real to me, and I'm proud to call it my own. It's not perfect, yes, but no first draft is. I just have to keep telling myself that (and maybe shove my inner editor in a closet while I'm at it). I'm at about 56,000 words and I still have a lot of plot left... too much plot. I'm going to keep writing, but it doesn't feel the same. I miss the rush of words as I try to finish writing my thoughts before bed. I miss the hype, the decorum, and the excitement. I'll keep writing, but it doesn't feel like a sprint anymore. It feels like a slow walk. I'm able to actually focus on the words, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. 

I admire you writerly types; yes, those people whose veins flow with inspiration rather than blood. I admire you. Because it isn't easy; writing a novel in a month. It isn't easy writing a novel, period. I know that now. But the thing I've discovered is, writing is hard. It's not for the faint of heart. 

But overall, we have to decide: is it worth it?

I think it is.




Hello, my name is Kylie,
and I am a writer.



{post script: speaking of writing, Georgie, Fin, and I have a surprise for you coming up shortly. so refill your coffee mugs and stay tuned. we'll be back.} :)
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  1. Emily Ann PutzkeDecember 2, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    I love this!!

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  2. UnknownDecember 3, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    Hello!

    Thank you for commenting on my blog this afternoon so that I found your wonderful online haven! :) I'm delighted to have found what I believe from reading this post must surely be a kindred spirit...ahhh, those writing marathons, sprints. They are so much fun, aren't they? And yet, real life beckons, too. :) You did a beautiful job depicting the balance we writers must strike between writerly indulgences and life interruptions...and of course, between believing and fear.

    I look forward to getting to know you! :)

    Rachelle

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  3. AnonymousDecember 5, 2011 at 12:09 AM

    Oh, I dearly like this post. ^.^ It is so very true that we must push, shove, and throttle our fear of failure. If we let it take over our hearts and minds, our writing will eventually peeter out into Nothingness. You cannot begin to live until you lose your fear of failure. And the same is true of writing. We must let go of the guide-rails. We must jump--we must get off the ground, safe and comfortable though it may be. We must be unafraid to fly, to fail, and to pick ourselves right back up again.

    Thank you for this post, Kylie. I'm so happy for you, finishing NaNo like you did. I am truly in awe of all writers who come out of November in triumph. ^.^

    (Also, I have tagged you! Don't feel as if you must do it, of course, only join in the craziness if you want to! http://katie-writingblog.blogspot.com/2011/12/first-impressions.html )

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